are you listening to understand or listening to respond

By understanding body language more effectively, we can decrease our chances of being misunderstood. This is opposed to other listening techniques like reflective listening and empathic listening. We listen to reply,” Stephen Covey. Listen to Understand, Not to Respond ... Nhat Hanh states: …you can call it compassionate listening. Hence it is easy to know if someone is listening to understand or listening to respond. ~Stephen R. Covey Listening is an important part of communication but is also one of life’s most difficult skills. Usually during this type of listening you want to be fully present in the moment or mindfully listening to what the speaker is saying. We filter what we hear based on our core beliefs and we don’t take into consideration what that person is trying to say. Are You Listening to Respond or Listening to Understand? Pragmatic Jedi Mind Tricks for Everyday People. To fully share and understand, practice active listening and reading so that you are fully attentive, fully present in the moment of interaction. The Reality That All Women Experience That Men Don’t Know About, What We Talk About When We Talk About Men: The Top 12 Issues Men Face Today, The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men's Lives is a Killer, Explaining White Privilege to a Broke White Person, Relationships Aren't Easy, But They're Worth It, The First Myth of Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow, 10 Things Good Men Should Never Do in a Relationship, White Fragility: Why It's So Hard to Talk to White People About Racism. Shut out everything. When someone is speaking to us, there is a delay between what we hear and what we understand. Do not immediately prepare your response. Reflective listening is … C) empathic listening. D) active listening. Here are a few things that I have observed in myself when being in both the modes (and yes, I have been guilty of listening to respond). Listen to understand. So often, pain and suffering are not met with compassion, but with judgment. “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” ― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change Even though you might have a lot to say, sometimes it’s best not to respond. As a coach and facilitator, it is not uncommon that I get pulled into resolving conflicts. Your goal during this time is to focus on the speaker, not on yourself. You can implement a new habit by attaching it to an existing habit. Among other things, I try to work something along the lines of “giving other person the space to talk and to listen to their perspective”. I will consciously will listen to understand. These stages will be discussed in more detail in later sections. We hear some things and we start forming our response based on those things while ignoring others. Even when the other person wants some acknowledgement or clarification, you withdraw yourself, because you know that anything you say or do will be and can be used against you. Think about it, the word listen and the word silent are spelled with the same letters! Sometimes, we ourselves are not consciously aware if we are just listening to respond or listening to understand. As the other person is speaking, is that little voice in your head preparing your next response? Vent if you have to, but don’t linger on the problem. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. You are able to separate facts and interpretation of facts (feelings) and respect both without discounting either. Your breathing is probably heavy. Gather the information, process it, store it, with no attempt to respond. join like-minded individuals in The Good Men Project Premium Community. During crafting the working agreements, when  I meant “listen”, it was “listen to understand the other person” (or at least that was my unsaid assumption that had worked quite well many times). Something strange happened when I sternly told Bob to give Jack the space and time Jack needed to share his perspective. And when it was Bob’s turn, his arguments were like “At 10:01 AM Jack said …, but that is incorrect… “, “When Jack said this at 10:05 AM, he did not consider ….”. When you listen, make sure you understand exactly what the person is trying to convey. You are curious. The journey is arduous and beautiful at the same time. Our brain has some inbuilt circuitry (mirror neurons) to think and feel what the other person might be thinking and feeling. Listen actively without preparing a response. You listen to not just what is said, but also what is unsaid. “The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. I felt like I was in a court, listening to a defense attorney. Required fields are marked *. Your body language conveys apathy and indifference. Biased Algorithms: Does Anybody Believe Twitter Is Racist? Listening to understand versus listening to respond. What can you do to be consciously be aware of our listening mode? What does it really mean, “listen to understand”. Comprehensive Listening. Are you listening for understanding or are you focused more on what you are going to say next? Would love your thoughts, please comment. If you feel very frustrated … You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her to empty [their] heart. Examples of Active Listening Techniques There are plenty of active listening techniques that will improve the impression you can make at a job interview. … You also need to create a feedback loop to allow them to describe their understanding of a particular project and what it means to them. B) critical listening. Remember that your nonverbal feedback can be useful for a speaker, as it signals that you are listening but also whether or not you understand. I share the conversation space with “What do you think?” Asking, “What do you … What Makes a Bad Listener. Focus on the specific words they're using. If you are watching the news, listening … Sometimes, we ourselves are not consciously aware if we are just listening to respond or listening to understand. Put everything down. How will they a… Ask good questions Pay attention to both the … Sometimes, you feel a bit vulnerable because of that. Ask the person to follow-up with their points in writing, if necessary. Challenge yourself to listen to understand, not to respond. Physically relax and get comfortable. Or are you listening to understand? Depending upon the individual, it could be between a few seconds to up to a minute. You have to observe yourself (or be … Push yourself to realize that although someone might have canceled your vote, you might still have the same favorite snack or hobby or music. What can you do to be consciously be aware of our listening mode? Your email address will not be published. In order to listen to understand, you need to be aware of your emotions. To ensure that things are done right, the first time, managers need to provide subordinate managers with the appropriate information up front. If you're not ready to listen- for example, you've been caught unaware… Listening To Reply With the right questions, a conversation between two people with opposing opinions can go from a frustrating stalemate to a productive debate. If you’re talking, you’re not listening! You can say what has been said “verbatim” if someone asks you what was said. Admit your faults and discuss what you can do better in … Active listening is a technique that is used in counseling, training, and solving disputes or conflicts.It requires the listener to fully concentrate, understand, respond and then remember what is being said. Using body language and other signs to acknowledge you are listening can also help you to pay attention. Bob, not only started taking notes (with time stamps) on what Jack said, but also built a column for counter argument with his points. Not to respond. Listening To Understand vs. If you are listening and responding from a place of anger and defensiveness (without being aware of this), you are much less likely to hear or respond constructively in the conversation. What that means is that instead of really paying attention to what the other person is saying, you are already thinking about what you want to say in response. Your mind wanders to other thoughts. The answer is, when you listen to respond, as Bruce mentioned in his article. Your email address will not be published. If a speaker fails to read your nonverbal feedback, you may need to follow up with verbal communication in the form of paraphrased messages and clarifying questions. Sometimes you have to follow your dreams. Would a Same-Sex Couple Really Be Welcome in a Church? What about notes?Do you really need to take notes? Inattentive listening or reading can cause us to miss much of what the speaker is sharing with us. Listening to understand: You have suspended your judgement. Hence it is easy to know if someone is listening to understand or listening to respond. First, a study at Princeton University (“Speaker-Listener Neural Coupling Underlies Successful Communication,” by Charles G. Gross, June 19, 2010) found that there is a lag between what you hear and what you understand. Stop trying to constantly prove that you’re right and be the bigger person and try to solve the issue. You have to observe yourself (or be mindful, and it takes some practice), observe your thoughts, your attitude and your body language when having a conversation, especially a headed one. us are listening to reply and not listening to understand. Beyond who we are as … Listening is a vital interpersonal skill and it supports us in the ability to … Listening to reply is the standard way that most people communicate. Be attentive but relax your gaze. So, the next time you are going to be in a heated discussion, are you going to listening to respond ? Lot of times, we are “listening to respond” than “listening to understand” (When your friend was telling you about his vacation, have you gathered your thoughts about your vacation, only to immediately tell him how great your vacation was?). You have to formulate and restate what they have told you in your head until it makes perfect sense to you. So in conclusion, work on active listening by following these simple rules. Breathe slowly and deeply. As I read more into it and began to fully understand what it meant, listening to understand versus listening to respond, it’s like a light bulb went off in my head. Not long ago, Jack and Bob (names changed) requested that I facilitate a dialog between them (the issue is not important) as they failed to resolve it within themselves, and like a good facilitator, I worked out “listen to the other person” into the working agreements. Initially, they were shorter, I did not mind it, and Jack did not too, but when it started getting longer and louder, I visibly saw Jack getting irritated and I reminded both of them about working agreements, to give space to the other person to talk. I had to hold my ground as the discussion was getting headed that point of time. Excellent example Ram. Listening is an active process by which we make sense of, assess, and respond to what we hear.  But Bob had a different understanding for “listening” – stay silent, let the other person talk, but build your defense and arguments. This is what I would call as  “listening to respond”. And before I agree to facilitate, I work out some “working agreements” or behaviors which will be adhered to, during the discussion. If you must, make short punchy notes. As soon as Jack started talking, Bob started interrupting, mixing his perspective into Jack’s story. That includes, not thinking about how you’re going to reply when another person is talking. You may also be restless (taping your fingers/toes, etc). Black People With White Dogs — How I Learned Racism Is Buried Deep in Me, Systemic Racism, Explained by Newton’s First Law of Motion, What Men Say When They Won’t Stop Talking, What I Learned From My Encounters With Evil People, Hard Things Can Tear Us Apart or Bring Us Together, Revisiting ‘Wolf Children’ — an Underrated Tale of Motherhood, Habit Stacking: The Secret Trick for Remembering To Do Things, Six Questions Leaders of Change Must Answer. NON-DEFENSIVE LISTENING TIP #7: … You empathize. So when you’re arguing with your parents, your sibling, your friend, your significant other, or whoever, remember this. Initially I had no idea what the heck that meant. The best way to listen is with your mouth shut. Fortunately or unfortunately, we don’t just listen (or don’t listen) to others only during conflicts. Jack was the first one who wanted to share his perspective. 2. Listening to respond: characterized by impatience, you are waiting for your turn. Initially, it was a few “and …”, “also…,” , “you should also tell Ram about …”. Listening To Understand vs. Listen carefully to the interviewer’s questions, ask for clarification if necessary, and wait until the interviewer has finished talking to respond. 28) If you are listening mainly to understand the speaker's message, you are engaging in A) content listening. If you do, you will instill trust, build relationships, and in the end increase sales performance. If you find yourself clarifying your notes instead of listening, stop immediately. Answer: A Explanation: A) With content listening, the listener's primary focus is simply in comprehending what the speaker is saying. In order to establish close connections and valuable relationships, listening allows individuals to do so. Interrupting indicates that your listening skills are … Stop playing not to lose, and start playing to win. The idea behind active listening is not to strain … If I think about it, listening to respond is not even listening. You aren't necessarily agreeing with the person, you are simply indicating that you are listening. Communication involves the sharing and understanding of meaning. One of the greatest lessons in life is to listen with the intent to understand what is being said, instead of just listening to respond. Anyone can listen to respond to a question or statement but it takes someone skilled in communications to listen and truly understand what the subject is saying. Some of the topics they may address are: 1. Listen to the content of their speech. When you’re practicing active listening, you’re more interested in listening to what the other person is saying, rather than formulating your response. You are trying to understand from the speaker’s perspective. I figured it was probably just a cute play on words. You ask for clarification. October 31, 2018 Hacks deborah It is normal to listen to what others are saying and thinking about how we are going to respond. We listen to others during meetings, in everyday conversations, we listen to our boss, our coworkers, our subordinates,  parents, to kids, to friends and our spouses. The listening process involves five stages: receiving, understanding, evaluating, remembering, and responding. You not only understand the words, but also try to understand the feelings behind those words. Listening To Reply. We are generally formulating and answer in our head while the person is talking, i.e. You catch yourself when your thoughts are wandering and bring your focus back to the conversation. However, if you really want to create connection with your loved ones in your life then listen to understand. Do Not Sell My Personal Information. Even if [they] say things that are full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable of continuing to listen with compassion. 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